Memory Awake
by Miss Pookamonga
Summary: Our memories, when relived, are the things that leave the deepest scars.


_Dear Readers,_

_Having recently become completely obsessed with Nikola Tesla (the real man and the character), I felt obligated to write a fic about him. Since I am so utterly obsessed, I have done research on his life in my free time, and some of this research has made its way into this story. Therefore, there are a few things you need to know in order for you to fully understand it. 1) Nikola was the son of a Serbian Orthodox priest 2) Nikola's older brother Dane was incredibly intelligent and was originally the son favored to become an engineer. 3) Dane died at age 12 when Nikola was only 5. Accounts of the cause of death differ--some say Nikola pushed Dane down the cellar stairs in retaliation for being blamed for the death of Dane's dog, and others say Dane died after falling from a horse when Nikola accidentally spooked it. 4) Throughout his life, Nikola experienced nightmares and hallucinations of his brother's death and was deeply affected by the event for the whole of his career. His incredible work rate may have been a result of his feeling inadequate at being able to live up to his brother's memory._

_That's pretty much all you need to know. I apologize for the GINORMOUS amount of angst in this, but I felt I had to write it. I hope you like it._

_Best Regards from a Bookworm (and Tesla addict),_

_Miss Pookamonga ;-P (and her muses)_

**

* * *

Memory Awake**

****

* * *

"_**Remorse is memory awake." **_

—_**Emily Dickinson**_

* * *

Helen Magnus sighed heavily as she glanced down at her watch. It was already three o'clock in the morning, and she hadn't even gone to bed yet. So much for a good night's sleep.

Not that she got much of those nowadays.

Succumbing to a long, much-needed yawn, Helen slowly pushed herself up from the paperwork glaring menacingly at her from her desktop and groggily made her way to the door of the office. If she couldn't get a full night of sleep, it would at least benefit her to rest for a few hours, provided she still arose well before anyone else in the house did. She had always preferred to be the first up in order to give herself time to calm down and shake away the dark remnants of the previous evening's nightmares. That way, when everyone else awoke, she would be ready to greet them with a smile and the perfectly flawless mask of composure she was so used to wearing to hide her scars. It was the way she had lived for over a century, and the habit wasn't an easy one to break.

She shuddered as she stepped into the cool air of the dim hallway and instinctively crossed her arms over her chest, hugging herself for warmth. It had been, to say the least, a chaotic past few weeks. Ever since Ashley had been retrieved from the Cabal, she had been undergoing extensive daily treatment to combat the drugs she had been given to increase the volatility of her behavior. Luckily, she had been quite responsive to the treatment, but the effects of the drugs had been so powerful that Helen was sure that reaching a full recovery would probably take months at the rate things were going. What made the situation worse was that John, after helping rescue his daughter, had suddenly disappeared again, and although Helen had been expecting something of that nature to occur, a tiny part of her had been hoping that his "change" had been permanent and that he would stay rather than vanish into oblivion once more.

So, naturally, with all that had occurred, Helen knew that she required as much sleep as she could obtain, or else she was quite sure she would suffer a nervous breakdown. She briskly walked down the hallway towards her room, eagerly anticipating the comforting warmth of the bedcovers. She only hoped that tonight would be one of those rare nights which was devoid of any terrifying nightmares or taunting visions of her past.

It was then that she heard it.

A small, high-pitched noise not unlike the strangled cry of a child.

Instinctively, Helen stopped dead in her tracks and whirled around, straining her ears to make sure she hadn't just been imagining things drifting through the shadows, which she often had a tendency to do. After a few seconds of dead silence, she sighed and concluded that her exhausted mind was merely playing tricks on her again—an additional sign of her desperate need for sleep. So she turned back around and resumed walking.

But suddenly, out of the stillness of the dark, she heard it again.

And this time it was louder.

Finally convinced that the sound was not a figment of her imagination, Helen cautiously began walking in the opposite direction, towards the source of the noise. Whatever it was, it was coming from the far end of the hallway, where some of the guest bedrooms were. She felt a jolt of fear and aggravation shoot through her as the sudden thought crossed her mind that one of the abnormals had possibly escaped and was wreaking havoc on her antique furniture. The last time that had happened, the finish on one of her priceless wooden tables had been hopelessly ruined, and the incident had done nothing to better her already sour mood.

But as her steps carried her closer to the noise, she was beginning to think that it didn't belong to an escaped abnormal at all. In fact, it couldn't have been an escapee—the noise sounded too human and it wasn't coming from an empty room—

—it was coming from _Nikola's_ room.

Another jolt of fear abruptly shot through her body at the sudden realization, and without thinking, she sprinted towards the door, thrust it open…

…and froze in horror.

"_Nikola?!"_

* * *

_It had started to rain._

_Not a harsh, driving rain that pounded ceaselessly on everything in its path—just a light, steady rain sprinkling moisture on the cold earth. But it was enough to cast a dark shadow over Nikola's already miserable mood. _

_Not to mention that everywhere he stepped, there seemed to be a puddle accumulating on the ground. The splashing water droplets were getting his wool socks wet. He hated it when his socks got wet._

_As the young boy trudged sullenly through the field—a field which was, much to his dismay, growing muddier by the minute—he mulled over what had happened at school that day. Once again, he'd amazed his teacher and the rest of the class by getting all the arithmetic problems right, and although he was rather proud of himself for surpassing his schoolmates, he didn't quite understand why it caused so much of a commotion. After all, he wasn't Dane. Dane had been smarter, and all the teachers new that. The fact that they were becoming increasingly impressed with his intelligence surprised him, since all anybody had ever really done was compare him to Dane. He wasn't used to being noticed as himself. He was Dane's little brother. He'd always been Dane's little brother, and for the past five years he had lived under the assumption that he'd probably always be Dane's little brother. But now they were noticing him, and it was leaving him wrapped up in a million little thoughts of confusion whirling around in his head. He wasn't supposed to be the smart one, even though he tried to be. Dane had been the smart one, not him. _

_But Dane was gone now, leaving Nikola to make up for the empty hole left by his brother's absence. _

_The only problem was, it was _his _fault that Dane was gone. _

_Nikola squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the wave of nausea seeping through him. It would do no good to think about that now. There was nothing he could do to change the past, no matter how painful it was, and no matter how hard he tried to believe that he could change it. _

_Nikola was suddenly wrenched away from his thoughts when he heard a loud, grating voice yelling at him from behind. He groaned inwardly upon hearing it and picked up his pace, hoping he could elude the voice's owner. But Milovan __Bosnjakovic_ _had never been an easy person to get away from, and Nikola knew he was bound to be stopped sooner or later, even though he desperately hoped that this was the one time when he _could _miraculously escape the other boy's presence. _

"_Well, if it isn't the little priest's boy!" yelled Milovan nastily, accompanied by a chorus of snickers from his friends._

_So, he'd brought along his little mob too. The boys that hung around him like ugly leeches, feeding off everything he did and said. Nikola shuddered in disgust and began walking even faster, praying that Milovan would shut up for once and leave him alone. _

"_Hey! I'm talking to you!" Nikola suddenly felt something sharp hit the back of his leg, and he instinctively spun around to see what it was. _

_A pebble. Nikola grunted in annoyance and continued striding across the field._

"_What? Think you're too smart to talk to us?" Milovan sneered as his friends joined in with their own derisive shouts. _

_Nikola bent his head against the rain and ignored them._

"_Fine! If that's the way you want it, Tesla. Too bad. I was going to congratulate you."_

_Nikola let out a sarcastic huff of irritation. _

_Unfortunately for him, Milovan heard. "Don't think I'm being serious, do you? Why don't you turn around and ask me if I am."_

_Nikola kept on walking._

_Milovan let out an exaggerated sigh. "It's a shame, really. You're pretty smart for a priest's son." He chuckled. "Too bad you're a murderer."_

_Nikola froze._

"_Ohh, so now he stops," Milovan jeered as the atmosphere suddenly grew silent with the weight of tension. _

_Nikola instantly whirled around, trembling with pent-up fury. "Shut up, Milo," he spat vehemently, wishing he could slap the smug grin of the bully's face. _

_But the grin only widened in satisfaction, its owner pleased that he had finally elicited a reaction from his prey. "Oh, yes, I know," he hissed as he stepped up to Nikola's face, his band of friends following like wolves in a pack. "They say you pushed him down the cellar stairs."_

_Nikola tried desperately to suppress the rage boiling from within him, to turn around and walk away, to ignore Milovan for what seemed like the millionth time, but he couldn't. Not when he'd said that, not when he'd called him…_

"_That's a lie." His face tightened and he felt his eyes burning dangerously._

"_Are you sure? They say that your parents made up that story about him falling off the horse because they were ashamed that their little angel had turned into a devil."_

"_They didn't make it up," Nikola growled in a low voice, leaning forward without meaning to. He was quaking fiercely now, his whole body giving in to the pressure of his building anger. "He fell off a horse. It was an accident."_

_Milovan leaned back and smirked. "Murderer," he said quietly._

"_Take it back!" Nikola suddenly yelled, scaring himself with the intensity of his own rage._

_Milovan leaned forward again, this time bringing his face up next to Nikola's ear. For a moment he said nothing. But then, after a few seconds, he leaned even closer and let the devilish whisper slip out of his mouth._

"_Murderer."_

_Nikola lunged._

* * *

"_Nikola!" _Helen cried out in shock again as she stood, paralyzed, in the doorway.

Nikola Tesla was pressed up against the far wall, hands clutching helplessly at nothing as his body began to crumple and slide down towards the floor. He was whimpering like a little child, the cries growing louder as he sunk to the ground. His nightclothes were a mess, the fabric plastered to his skin due to the sweat soaking his body. Helen, horrified at the sight, could only stand dumbfounded for several seconds until her brain suddenly snapped into action and she rushed towards him, grabbing him underneath his arms before he collapsed.

"Nikola? Nikola, it's me, Helen!" she cried anxiously, pulling his damp body into her lap. _"Nikola!" _

His eyes shot open.

All of a sudden, he howled in rage, his face contorting into a picture of abject fury, and lunged up at a frightened Helen. Before she had time to react, he knocked her over with a beastly force and pinned her to the floor.

"_Take it back!" _he screamed, shaking her violently.

"Take what—Nikola, _stop!_" she shouted back at him, terrified of the monstrous expression of frenzy on his face. "It's _me! _It's _Helen!__**" **_

He didn't seem to acknowledge her words, for he slammed her against the floor again, horrifying her with another ungodly shriek. _"I'm not a murderer!"_

"Nikola, get _off_—" She tried in vain to kick the man off her, but he was holding her down so tightly that she was afraid he was going to crush her bones to dust. "Nikola, can't you _see_, it's me, _Hel_—"

And then it hit her, as she locked eyes with his blazing ones.

He wasn't seeing her at all.

He was glaring past her at some unseen face, a memory, a dream, a delusion. He was miles away from his bedroom at the Sanctuary, miles away near a farm somewhere in Serbia, reliving a horror from his past…

"Nikola, wake _up_!" she cried desperately, lifting her forearms and grabbing him fiercely by the elbows. "It's not _real_! _You're dreaming_!"

"_I didn't mean to kill him!" _he howled, pushing painfully down on her arms and thrusting his face closer to hers.

"You didn't, you didn't! I don't even know who you're talking about—Nikola, _please_!" she screamed frantically, shaking his arms as hard as she could.

"_MAGNUS!"_

Will's stunned voice suddenly hit her ears as the young protégé appeared in the doorway, staring aghast at the scene before him.

"_Will!" _Helen cried in desperation. "Get him off me, _quick!_"

But before she had even called out to him, Will had already barreled into Nikola, successfully knocking him against the wall and freeing Helen from his grasp.

"_Let me go! STOP IT! I'm NOT a murderer! I didn't KILL him!" _Nikola screamed, thrashing wildly as Will tried to grapple him to the floor.

"Oh my _god_!" Two more shaken voices appeared, along with their owners, Ashley and Henry, who rushed into the room towards Helen, Bigfoot trailing.

"_Mom! _Are you o—"

"Ashley, I need you to go get me a sedative _now_!" Helen yelled over Nikola's screams and howls before her daughter could even reach her.

Ashley nodded once, her eyes wide in terror, and immediately raced out the door.

Henry and Bigfoot, meanwhile, had joined Will in attempting to restrain the hysterical Nikola on the floor. Helen, still recovering from the shock of the unexpected attack, shakily crawled over to where his head was whipping violently back and forth against the carpet. She reached out and grabbed it firmly, pulling it into her lap.

"Nikola, it's me," she said fervently, leaning towards his face. "Helen. You're dreaming. It's okay."

"Take it _back!_" He continued to sob, tears now streaming down his pale face. "Take it back, I didn't mean to do it, I didn't mean to…_Dane!"_

He let out another unearthly howl and began to writhe even harder.

* * *

_A sudden volt of blinding rage overcame him, and he flew at Milovan, knocking him to the ground. _

"Take it back_!" Nikola screamed ferociously, violently shaking the other boy against the damp ground. His mind was so clouded by fear and guilt and fury that he couldn't think—it was almost as if he was acting on wild animal instinct alone. He didn't even care if he hurt the other boy. All he wanted was for the throbbing ache of guilt inside him to go away, for Milovan to leave him alone forever, for all the hidden pain to just disappear. _

"_Not so…gentle…are…you…" gasped Milovan, who was slightly winded by Nikola's sudden assault. _

_The other boys had gathered around now, forming a half-circle around Milovan's head. None of them had joined in the fray yet—they were waiting for Milovan to retaliate and give them the lead. But they were hollering and jeering at Nikola, making the anger within him explode even more aggressively. _

"I'm not a murderer_!" he screamed even more loudly, bringing his enraged face closer to Milovan's. _

"_Really?! Looks like you're about to murder…_me_!" shouted Milovan viciously, suddenly thrusting his leg upward into Nikola's stomach and knocking him over. _

_Nikola let out a howl of agony and rolled over onto the wet grass, clutching his stomach as he gasped in pain. "I…didn't…mean…to…kill…him…" _

"_So, you _did _kill your brother then? You're the spawn of Satan, you! Devil!" Milovan cried sadistically, kicking Nikola in the side, causing him to yelp in pain again. "Look at him, boys! A priest's son, turned into a devil!"_

"_Devil!"_

"_Murderer!"_

_The other boys began screaming and chanting even more raucously, following their instigator's lead and running at their victim, kicking and punching, clawing and grabbing like a pack of wild beasts. _

"Let me go! STOP IT! I'm NOT a murderer! I didn't KILL him!" _Nikola shrieked, thrashing wildly against the boys' attacks, blindly swinging his fists and legs at whoever came in his way. _

"_Devil! Devil! Devil!"_

_He was sobbing hysterically now as his vision became more blurred with each painful blow and each piercing word. "Take it _back!_" he cried desperately as the hot tears poured down his bruised face and he grabbed a fistful of one of the boys' hair. "Take it back! I didn't mean to, I didn't—"_

_A fist suddenly flew at his face and crashed into his jaw. _

_He fell back to the ground with a sickening_ thud. _For a moment he couldn't see anything but blurs of the other boys' taunting faces. But then his vision began to clear…and he suddenly gasped at what he saw. _

"Dane!_" _

_His mind forgot that it was only another vision, like all the others before. Because it _was _Dane, it looked so much like Dane, it couldn't be anyone else other than Dane. It couldn't have been a dream, because Dane haunted him wherever he went, whatever he did—his brother's memory was a dark shadow hovering over his existence, and he could never wipe it away…_

"_Dane, _please_, I didn't mean to make you fall off the horse," he pleaded through his tears, forgetting about the kicking and punching and screaming going on around him. _

_The figure merely stared stonily at him, saying nothing._

"_It was an accident! _Please_, Dane, I didn't mean to—I'm so sorry…please…"_

_But his ghost of a brother remained silent, burning Nikola with his icy gaze._

* * *

"Hold him down!"

"Magnus…we're trying…" Will grunted as he desperately attempted to secure one of Nikola's thrashing legs to the floor.

"Come…on, buddy…snap…out of it," urged Henry breathlessly, pushing down on the opposite leg.

"Dane, _please_, I didn't mean to make you fall off the horse," Nikola gasped, suddenly staring vacantly up into the air above him as if he saw something there.

"Magnus, what's he talking about—"

"I don't know...I've never seen him like this before—Nikola? _Nikola_, _look at me_!" Helen shook his head in her lap, trying to get him to snap out of his trance, but he continued staring forlornly up at the ceiling, sobbing violently.

"It was an accident! _Please_, Dane, I didn't mean to—I'm so sorry…please…"

"Nikola!"

"_Please_, Dane! _Talk _to me! _Please_!"

"It's me, Helen—"

"Don't look at me like that, Dane, please…I never meant to hurt you—"

"Nikola, _listen _to me—"

"_Please_, Dane…you're my brother…I never would've done it on purpose!"

Helen's breath suddenly caught in her throat and her head snapped up in shock as she met the equally stunned faces of her three companions.

"Dane, don't _do _this to me! Make them stop! Tell them I didn't mean it!"

Nikola suddenly let out another loud shriek of pain and jolted upward, attempting to grab at the vision before him, but the four held him down steadily, pinning him back to the floor.

"_I'm not a murderer!"_

"Mom!"

A flustered Ashley dashed into the doorway, carrying a syringe in her hand.

* * *

_Nikola wailed and clutched in vain at the empty air, trying to reach his brother's unresponsive figure, but every time he sat up, someone pushed him to the ground again. _

"Please, _Dane! _Talk _to me! _Please_!" _

_No answer. Just a cold, emotionless stare on a pale, motionless face. _

"_Don't look at me like that, Dane, please…I never meant to hurt you!" sobbed Nikola loudly, shrieking as another boy grabbed his hair and slammed his head back into the mud. "_Please, _Dane…you're my brother…I never would've done it on purpose!"_

_Someone kicked him hard in the stomach again, and he doubled over, screaming. "Dane, don't _do _this to me!" Kick. Kick. Kick. "Make them stop! Tell them I didn't mean it!"_

_Dane said nothing._

"_Murderer! Murderer! Devil!" the boys chanted over and over and over again, their incriminating cries pounding in his ears._

"I'm not a murderer_!" _

"_Liar! Liar, murderer!" they shrieked, grabbing Nikola's flailing arms and twisting them behind his back. He suddenly became aware of the blood streaming down his face and he cried out in horror, causing the boys to yell even louder and throw him back to the ground. "LIAR!"_

"Dane…_" he wept in a cracked voice, craning his neck against the crushing force of Milovan's hand._

_Dane merely stared with his dark, foreboding eyes and began to back away into the grey of the mist and the rain. _

"NO!"

_He was drifting farther away now, his ghostly figure slowly blending into the fog. _

"_Dane, don't _leave _me!" Nikola shrieked through the blood covering his mouth, thrashing his arms towards the image of his dead brother. "Don't _leave!NO!_"_

"_Look at you now!" screamed Milovan, giving Nikola one final shove into the soggy ground. "Look at you, you dirty bastard!"_

"_Dane…no…I'm sorry…"_

"_Look at him!" Milovan continued, pushing himself up from the ground and signaling to his pack to back away along with him. "Not so powerful now, are you?!"_

"_Murderer!"_

"_Bastard!"_

_Nikola let his wounded head drop to the ground as he choked on the blood, tears, and rain pouring down his bruised face. "Dane…" he whispered, reaching a bloodied arm across the mud as his fingers clutched at the grass. _

"_You're brother can't save you now, you little son of a bitch. Because _you _killed him!" sneered Milovan, spitting vehemently on Nikola's face. The other boys followed their ringleader and began spitting at him all over his body. "And now you're paying for it," Milovan continued viciously, kicking Nikola one last time in the stomach before finally retreating. "Come on, boys, let's leave the little devil to crawl back to his mama alone!"_

_With that, Milovan swiftly turned on his heel and walked away, the jeering boys following suit and leaving Nikola in a crumpled heap._

"_Dane…I'm sorry…" he sobbed, his hand grabbing weakly at the puddle of mud and blood surrounding his curled-up body. "Dane…"_

_Dane was gone._

_And he was alone again, the rain drowning him in its sorrow._

* * *

"Thank you," Helen heaved breathlessly as she swiped the syringe from her daughter's hand. "Hold him down—_hard_," she instructed Will, Henry, and Bigfoot as she took hold of Nikola's trembling arm.

The three immediately obeyed, pushing down harder on his convulsing body as Ashley hurriedly joined to help.

"_NO! _Dane, don't _leave_ me! Don't _leave_!" Nikola screamed desperately, his arms quaking more violently as he tried to reach upward again.

"Steady," Bigfoot warned, straining against the sudden movement as Helen began pushing the sleeve up Nikola's shuddering arm.

"_NO!_"

She plunged the needle into his skin.

Nikola froze, eyes widening suddenly at impact of the medication.

"Keep holding him down!" Helen cautioned the others, warily eyeing Nikola's face, which was paralyzed in a mixture of terror and pain.

Then, his body slumped against the floor.

"Keep him steady…"

"Dane…no…I'm sorry…Dane…Dane…I'm sorry…" he croaked despondently as his body stilled, succumbing to the sedative flowing through his veins.

Helen suddenly felt a surge of something hit the back of her throat at the desperate tone of his voice, and as she continued pushing the clear liquid into his blood, she sensed something hot and wet forming behind her eyelids. She gulped quickly and stared even more intently at the near-empty syringe, but the tears began rolling down her face anyway, splashing onto Nikola's arm as they dropped off her chin.

"Dane…" he whispered.

Helen felt another surge of tears well up but she pushed it back and withdrew the needle from his arm. She opened her mouth to tell the others to carry Nikola to her lab, but his hand suddenly shot out and grabbed her wrist.

There was a collective gasp as Helen's head whipped up to find Nikola staring at her, his eyes wide in agony and brimming with tears.

She had never seen him look at her like that before…so afraid, so alone, so tortured…

She gaped at him, unable to breathe.

"Dane…" he murmured softly as he continued to gaze into her eyes. "Forgive me…"

His head dropped to the floor as he lost consciousness.

The fresh surge of tears overcame Helen and they began pouring incessantly down her cheeks.

"Mom?"

Helen didn't move. "Get him downstairs," she finally choked, gazing at his unconscious face. "I don't know how long the sedative will last with him."

The others nodded in obedience and began lifting Nikola off the floor. But Helen didn't see them. She remained frozen, staring emptily through her tears at the space where Nikola's head had been lying just seconds before.

She couldn't wipe the memory of his eyes from her mind.

"Mom?"

She almost didn't hear Ashley whispering softly to her as her daughter knelt down on the floor with her. It took her a moment to respond, but even when she did, she couldn't tear her eyes away from the now vacant spot on the floor.

"Hmm?"

"Are you going to be okay?"

Helen nodded slowly, still in a daze. "I'll be fine, Ashley," she whispered hoarsely. "Just…make sure the others get him downstairs safely. I'll…be down in a minute."

Ashley nodded, paused to take one more glance at her mother, then stood up and walked silently out of the room after the three men.

Helen just remained there, staring.

"_Dane…" _she heard him whisper in her mind. _"Forgive me…"_

She shut her eyes, letting the tears fall more freely down her face and shuddering as the sobs overtook her.

"Oh, Nikola, why didn't you ever tell me?" she whispered to the empty air.

There would be no sleep tonight, she knew.

Instead, she would be haunted by the memory of his desperately pleading eyes searing through her soul, burning her with their overwhelming agony.

It was a memory, like his memory, that she knew could never be forgotten.


End file.
